Random sputtering of thoughts that might become an essay for an internship I'm applying to

Scattered around my room are heavy booklets of advertisements and information on gap years. Experience India! Immerse yourself within the culture of Thailand! Learn the native tongue of Yuan China! I mean who the fuck actually does all this? Experiencing, immersing, conversing? Doesn’t everyone just end up in their own little cubicle at a dead-end job with a boss that despises you and little to no money to pay rent and always the feeling of regret when you think about what you studied in college and what you’re actually doing currently? When most middle-aged people think of that question, contentment isn’t usually what their faces are expressing.

Who is actually content with their current life? There’s always something to complain about—always. There’s always SOMEONE to complain about as well. But could it all really be up in your mind and not actual real to what is going on in reality? Could it just be mind telling me that everything and everyone (including yourself) isn’t good enough? We can’t always be looking to the future for future happiness. I mean the past isn’t the best way to start, then maybe the present is.

This quote hangs above my work desk. "Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I've always believed that if you took one tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out."

And Randy’s quote truly does infest its way into my mind in a lot of different situations – though the most common one is when I’m stressed out by the various things I have to do.

Today I was sick and I left school during 4^th period and actually visited the Nurse. I haven’t done that since middle school and let me tell you – I felt like a full on slacker. Like one of those brainless kids that makes up excuses to their teachers and goes to the nurse and possibly goes home. But when that nurse looked at me with a kind smile and kind tone and asked me what’s wrong, I replied with My head hurts, I feel like I have a fever, I want to go home, I want to lie down for a bit. Oh my god, I felt like a liar and I wasn’t even lying! The big, Italian junior jock kid lying next to me wasn’t sick at all and he was just texting away and no one was saying anything about it. Anyways, I went home—I had a show to play and in the back of mind I knew I was going to end up blowing it off.

Prioritizing. That is the way to handle life. If you don’t do it, you’ll end up burning into flames. Like think of it as a metaphor for the situation of your house burning down. What do you take first? Do you take anything at all? How do you feel when you have leave things behind? How do you feel when you take the things you think are the most important to save and you realize that you forget something more important… or you feel that you made the wrong choice in picking that item?

That’s just like life. Especially a Korean American, high school AP student, trying-to-be-super-involved person, trying-to-be-independent person. Especially someone who is trying to balance social relationships with friends and a boyfriend and family with independent stuff to be a successful person and get into a good college. Especially someone who wants to put their ALL into everything, but is trying to do EVERYTHING. Especially someone who wants to graduate one year early and has to deal with the reactions of my peers and people in general and has to deal with the academic pressures of all that (oh not the mention the constant riding my mother will do when my dad is gone…) taking 4-5 AP classes is a huge step from taking one as a sophomore. Add on top of that PSATs, SATs, college applications? Goddammit, I just wanna take a gap year when I think about this—I am so burned out and it’s only March of 10^th grade. I’m gonna need AMPLE vacation time in Korea next year.

But I realized that even while typing those last few sentences, I don’t have a huge cloud above my head raining down little droplets of pressure getting my hair all gross. I’m actually even smiling a little (well, with that last sentence) because it’s all so different and new and maybe… even exciting? I don’t know, it’s scary too.

But I can’t let FEAR take me away from taking opportunities that are given. I could be just like any other girl… go to a state college on a full ride with my grades and extra-curriculars… become a teacher or something. But even I know that I want so much more than that.

I guess I’m not a “big dreamer” like my dad. But I have high expectations for myself. My future isn’t set in stone but everyday it is becoming so much more and so very different from what I imagined. And wouldn’t I be a fool for not taking these opportunities like the gap year and the chance to have internships and go to college early? Is what people think of me really going to hold me back from achieving these things that most people never get to do? Am I really that lame????

I once heard that everyone wants to be alone sometimes, but no one likes to be lonely. I think I’m going to feel so alone and isolated and not even in the good Yay-I’m and Independent person kind of way. Ben’s leaving for college, and he might not visit very often and it might be weird to contact him too much. He gets me in a way my parents don’t and maybe that’s because we’re only 2 years apart and we have some similar interests and similar academic/friend lives (not the same friends but). Yeah, he is so easy to get into an argument with and sometimes he just annoys the hell out of me, but I know that he has my back and I know he can make me smile in a way that other people can’t. And then my dad leaving too to go to Jeju? On the other side of the freaking world. He’s the one I look to as a role model—even an inspiration to work harder and never give up. He’s the one that I look to when Ben or Mom says something strange at the dinner table and we give each other a look that only the two of us can understand. He’s the one that I am most like (but not necessarily most agree with.) He can be cold and unaffectionate, but I can totally understand it and just our relationship as daughter to father is so … important to me. And having that being moved to phone calls and Skype conferences doesn’t really easy my conscience about next year.

Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared for the standardized testing’s that I have to do well on in order to get into a good college. I’m scared of what my friends will think of me graduating in a year (Rachel, Lily, Danielle, Russell.) I’m scared I’ll lose my relationships with them that I hold so close to my heart. I’m scared of what people in the entire school will think of me (especially with me becoming a “senior” instead of just graduating as a junior.) I’m scared of AP Lang, AP Stats, AP Calc BC, AP Euro, and AP Physics. I’m scared that I’ll apply for some colleges and be totally embarrassed if I don’t get into any of them. I’m scared that if I take a gap year, I’ll be stranded alone to have a failure of an experience. I’m scared of losing the relationship I have with my family. I’m scared that I’ll lose myself. I’m scared that I’ll be washed away into this giant wave and suffocate in salt water and won’t be able to recover. Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it’s the metaphor that comes to mind when I think of overwhelmedness.

           

Here’s something I learned in LOST: Jack said to Kate, I’d let the fear in. Let it take over, let it do its thing. But only for five seconds, that’s all I was gonna give it. So I started to count: 1...2...3...4...5. And it was gone.

So that’s what I’m going to try to do. Let the fear and worries consume me, but then let it go. Because I know I can do this, because I know that all of this and all of the opportunities that are coming for me are coming for me for a reason and I’m supposed to take it. Because I’m supposed to be more than average, more than the typical person, more than I thought I could be.