Flipped

love really does seem to exist somewhere out there. okay, maybe this is just post-watching Flipped, because that movie was just beautiful. but really, it's like ... the ruining of romance and the decline of love these days. People say "I love you" like it's nothing, but who actually takes the time and says it because they actually do love you? i mean, i bet the vast majority of peers do not know what love is. I definitely have no idea what love is or what it's like to be in love. you hear things like willing to sacrifice everything for that person, but honestly i don't think thats it.

well whatever i have time to think about this! it's just when I saw Flipped today, it was like everything pieced together beautifully into one magnificent story of adolescent love. and even though the story didn't specifically state Bryce ad Julie's future together... I knew for a fact that they were er, I don't know if I should use this term but... "soul-mates." And they'd be together 'til death. it was inevitable and strange to see--- something i had never watched in a movie before.

Birthday Wishlist

Sorry for the total vanity/selfishness/brattiness right now, but eee I get excited when looking on the internet for things! (besides no one sees this list except for me so :P) If I could have something for my birthday, here's what I would want:

• Globe paperweight:     http://gifts.barnesandnoble.com/Globe-Paperweight/e/769076003543/?cds2Pid=37520
• Awesome pens
• Leather Journal 1: http://gifts.barnesandnoble.com/Home-gift/Tivoli-Embossed-Floral-Tan-Wrap-Italian-Leather-Journal/e/9780641720543/?cds2Pid=25173
• Leather Journal 2: http://gifts.barnesandnoble.com/Home-gift/Distressed-Brown-Leather-Journal/e/9780641046803/?cds2Pid=25173
• Leather Journal 3: http://gifts.barnesandnoble.com/Home-gift/Brown-Leather-Wrap-Travelers-Journal/e/9780737260106/?cds2Pid=37498
• Gift card to Yesstyle.com
• Gift card for Forever 21. Urban Outfitters, DSW, Marshalls
• Steampunk jewelry -- etsy.com
• Melodica
• Synthesizer     http://www.thinkgeek.com/electronics/musical-instruments/c4e1/
• USB Drum Kit http://www.thinkgeek.com/electronics/musical-instruments/965b/
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Tufts Questions?

• In your opinion, what do you think makes Tufts special?
• How is it location wise? How does this affect your college experience? What's it like living on campus?
• What's the student body like?
• How was the admissions process for you
• What kinds of activities take place on campus?
• Is there a required curriculum for freshmen?
• What's it like for first years who want to explore different fields of study and haven't decided on what major they want to focus on?

The Secret

The secret to life is the law of attraction. Like attracts like. So to be successful, you need to send out positive energy and the universe will return with positivity. You need to feel good about yourself. If you’re negative in your views towards yourself and you focus on what you don’t have and what’s wrong with your life, then negative things will occur to you.

You need to feel gratitude for the things you have—for the things that make you happy.

I am so grateful to have the most amazing, loving, and encouraging family. My mom has the kindest heart and cares about me to an unreal extent. My brother makes me laugh and can relate to me in ways that other people just can’t. My father inspires me to be a better person and to have big dreams and hopes for myself.

I am so grateful for the luxury I live with. I live in a big house that I can call home. I have a gorgeous room with lots of sunlight and a design/quirkiness that I feel represents me. I eat yummy foods (the best of Korean and American food) and don’t have to worry about going hungry. My family has a stable income and I can go on vacations, trips, summer programs, Manhattan Music School.

I am so grateful for my education and my ability to study and get good grades in school. I am grateful for the moments I’ve had this year academic wise that made me realize how much fun I could have learning… and also the moments where I realized how hard work pays off.

I am grateful for my involvedness in music. I’m grateful that I can play music with a group of people and feel good about it. I’m grateful that music has become somewhat of a passion of mine. I’m grateful that I can express myself in such a beautiful medium.

I am grateful for my friends. Rachel cares a hell of a lot about me and appreciates me as a best friend. I’m grateful that I can have someone that feels like they can come to me with anything on their mind, someone that thinks of me as the best person to talk to—because it makes me feel appreciated and loved and that’s something I am grateful for. I’m grateful for my ability to be happy and funny and sometimes insane with Lily. I’m grateful that I can make her laugh and feel good and I’m grateful for the amazing times we’ve spent together. I’m grateful for Danielle Clynes, who I misjudged. I’m grateful for the unique way we can talk to each other, babble about random subjects together, and I’m grateful that I can see her grow as a person because it’s truly amazing. I’m grateful for Russell <3. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have someone who thinks I’m beautiful (when sometimes I don’t), who thinks my flaws are adorable, who thinks that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, who thinks about me in a way that no one ever has. I’m grateful for the times he’s made me smile when I was feeling terrible. I’m grateful that we can talk about the most random things, share music and TV shows together, laugh together, and also have those intellectual-philosophical conversations.

I cannot believe I have all this to be grateful for. I’m sincerely shocked right now…

I guess it’s time to describe what I want:

I want my dad’s job to be amazing. I want him to be able to be extremely successful in life in Jeju. I want him to be so happy with his job and his work there. I want millions of parents telling him that he’s an amazing principal. I want him to be paving the way for Jeju to become an international city. I want him to feel more content with this new and rewarding experience. I want to be able to visit him often (and visit Korea often!)

I want Ben to happy with the college he ends up going to. I want him to find his passion and find what he wants to study and what he wants to later become. I want my parents to be proud of his choices and who he’ll grow up to be.

I want Mom to be more confident in herself. Once Dad leaves, I want her to know that she’s going to be okay and that this is an opportunity to become stronger as an individual for her. I want her to be able to become anyone she wants to be and if that means studying to do something else, then she should do it. Once I leave for wherever (college or a gap year) and she goes to Korea, I want her to find something to do that makes her happy and makes her life fulfilling, as it should be.

I want my friends to feel happy and excited for me when I tell them that I’m graduating a year early and possibly going to Korea or taking a gap year. (I’m going to try and visualize this more)

I want to be able to have the experience of a lifetime with that time off. I want to explore the world and society as I’ve never seen it before. I want to somehow during that gap year go bungee jumping or cliff diving. I want to work with kids and teaching English. I want to experience living in an uncomfortable situation—homestay or poor living with not a lot of showers. I want to meet people that will change my life, but I also want to change my own life and come up with more ideas about what I want to do. I want to have a moment of revelation. You know, in the video, the end describes how there isn’t a chalkboard in the sky describing what the purpose of your life is. This is how the philosophers, authors, therapists, psychologists, and physicists described it: you create your own destiny. Your mind is the decider for all the things that will happen to you. It isn’t someone else’s plan—it’s your plan for yourself. If you start believing in yourself and believing in what you want, then you attract these things. Stop focusing on the “how” and focus on the “what.” Figure out what you want and really want it. 

I’m going to start thinking that I want this internship. This super selective, Columbia University, Social Science high school internship – I want to get it. I want to write a kick ass essay that will impact the thoughts of the people choosing people for the internship and make them think, “Wow, this girl is smart, determined, and possible of doing anything. She would be the perfect intern for our summer program.” I want to do research with professors (a job that I might be interested in for the future!) and learn new things about society. I want to travel New York City and become familiar with the place because I want it to be my home at some point in my life. I want to be selected for this internship.

Now it’s time for the universe to say, “Your wish is my command.”

Random sputtering of thoughts that might become an essay for an internship I'm applying to

Scattered around my room are heavy booklets of advertisements and information on gap years. Experience India! Immerse yourself within the culture of Thailand! Learn the native tongue of Yuan China! I mean who the fuck actually does all this? Experiencing, immersing, conversing? Doesn’t everyone just end up in their own little cubicle at a dead-end job with a boss that despises you and little to no money to pay rent and always the feeling of regret when you think about what you studied in college and what you’re actually doing currently? When most middle-aged people think of that question, contentment isn’t usually what their faces are expressing.

Who is actually content with their current life? There’s always something to complain about—always. There’s always SOMEONE to complain about as well. But could it all really be up in your mind and not actual real to what is going on in reality? Could it just be mind telling me that everything and everyone (including yourself) isn’t good enough? We can’t always be looking to the future for future happiness. I mean the past isn’t the best way to start, then maybe the present is.

This quote hangs above my work desk. "Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I've always believed that if you took one tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out."

And Randy’s quote truly does infest its way into my mind in a lot of different situations – though the most common one is when I’m stressed out by the various things I have to do.

Today I was sick and I left school during 4^th period and actually visited the Nurse. I haven’t done that since middle school and let me tell you – I felt like a full on slacker. Like one of those brainless kids that makes up excuses to their teachers and goes to the nurse and possibly goes home. But when that nurse looked at me with a kind smile and kind tone and asked me what’s wrong, I replied with My head hurts, I feel like I have a fever, I want to go home, I want to lie down for a bit. Oh my god, I felt like a liar and I wasn’t even lying! The big, Italian junior jock kid lying next to me wasn’t sick at all and he was just texting away and no one was saying anything about it. Anyways, I went home—I had a show to play and in the back of mind I knew I was going to end up blowing it off.

Prioritizing. That is the way to handle life. If you don’t do it, you’ll end up burning into flames. Like think of it as a metaphor for the situation of your house burning down. What do you take first? Do you take anything at all? How do you feel when you have leave things behind? How do you feel when you take the things you think are the most important to save and you realize that you forget something more important… or you feel that you made the wrong choice in picking that item?

That’s just like life. Especially a Korean American, high school AP student, trying-to-be-super-involved person, trying-to-be-independent person. Especially someone who is trying to balance social relationships with friends and a boyfriend and family with independent stuff to be a successful person and get into a good college. Especially someone who wants to put their ALL into everything, but is trying to do EVERYTHING. Especially someone who wants to graduate one year early and has to deal with the reactions of my peers and people in general and has to deal with the academic pressures of all that (oh not the mention the constant riding my mother will do when my dad is gone…) taking 4-5 AP classes is a huge step from taking one as a sophomore. Add on top of that PSATs, SATs, college applications? Goddammit, I just wanna take a gap year when I think about this—I am so burned out and it’s only March of 10^th grade. I’m gonna need AMPLE vacation time in Korea next year.

But I realized that even while typing those last few sentences, I don’t have a huge cloud above my head raining down little droplets of pressure getting my hair all gross. I’m actually even smiling a little (well, with that last sentence) because it’s all so different and new and maybe… even exciting? I don’t know, it’s scary too.

But I can’t let FEAR take me away from taking opportunities that are given. I could be just like any other girl… go to a state college on a full ride with my grades and extra-curriculars… become a teacher or something. But even I know that I want so much more than that.

I guess I’m not a “big dreamer” like my dad. But I have high expectations for myself. My future isn’t set in stone but everyday it is becoming so much more and so very different from what I imagined. And wouldn’t I be a fool for not taking these opportunities like the gap year and the chance to have internships and go to college early? Is what people think of me really going to hold me back from achieving these things that most people never get to do? Am I really that lame????

I once heard that everyone wants to be alone sometimes, but no one likes to be lonely. I think I’m going to feel so alone and isolated and not even in the good Yay-I’m and Independent person kind of way. Ben’s leaving for college, and he might not visit very often and it might be weird to contact him too much. He gets me in a way my parents don’t and maybe that’s because we’re only 2 years apart and we have some similar interests and similar academic/friend lives (not the same friends but). Yeah, he is so easy to get into an argument with and sometimes he just annoys the hell out of me, but I know that he has my back and I know he can make me smile in a way that other people can’t. And then my dad leaving too to go to Jeju? On the other side of the freaking world. He’s the one I look to as a role model—even an inspiration to work harder and never give up. He’s the one that I look to when Ben or Mom says something strange at the dinner table and we give each other a look that only the two of us can understand. He’s the one that I am most like (but not necessarily most agree with.) He can be cold and unaffectionate, but I can totally understand it and just our relationship as daughter to father is so … important to me. And having that being moved to phone calls and Skype conferences doesn’t really easy my conscience about next year.

Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared for the standardized testing’s that I have to do well on in order to get into a good college. I’m scared of what my friends will think of me graduating in a year (Rachel, Lily, Danielle, Russell.) I’m scared I’ll lose my relationships with them that I hold so close to my heart. I’m scared of what people in the entire school will think of me (especially with me becoming a “senior” instead of just graduating as a junior.) I’m scared of AP Lang, AP Stats, AP Calc BC, AP Euro, and AP Physics. I’m scared that I’ll apply for some colleges and be totally embarrassed if I don’t get into any of them. I’m scared that if I take a gap year, I’ll be stranded alone to have a failure of an experience. I’m scared of losing the relationship I have with my family. I’m scared that I’ll lose myself. I’m scared that I’ll be washed away into this giant wave and suffocate in salt water and won’t be able to recover. Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it’s the metaphor that comes to mind when I think of overwhelmedness.

           

Here’s something I learned in LOST: Jack said to Kate, I’d let the fear in. Let it take over, let it do its thing. But only for five seconds, that’s all I was gonna give it. So I started to count: 1...2...3...4...5. And it was gone.

So that’s what I’m going to try to do. Let the fear and worries consume me, but then let it go. Because I know I can do this, because I know that all of this and all of the opportunities that are coming for me are coming for me for a reason and I’m supposed to take it. Because I’m supposed to be more than average, more than the typical person, more than I thought I could be. 

Body Image

In health today, we talked about body image... watching the famous Dove experiment commercial where they take a regular girl, put shitloads of makeup and hair product on her, and retouch her up through dramatic photoshop techniques...
Why is this the most appealing way to reach your buyers? Why does society see this perfect picture of a woman holding a hair product and think, "Wow, if I buy this, I will look just like that?" Is it all in the subconscious? Because I just think that's dumb. Dumb dumb dumb I mean I KNOW that that girl is retouched to an insane amount, why should I hold this as truth and justification for buying a product?

At the end of that video, there's a statement: No wonder our perception of beauty is distorted.

Beauty isn't something you can buy... nor is it something you can wear or put on your face... that's looking pretty. There's a difference.
Beauty is something that comes from within (corn and cheese :)
When someone is beautiful, their beauty shines all around-- making people (ironic choice of wording but) attracted to that beautiful person. I feel like beauty and charisma line up pretty well...

Typical

Just watched a video on the Yahoo front page
The Most Typical Face on the Planet
I was surprised to see that it was an asian male (who's face I could easily see in America or Korea or China... it was a pretty typical looking guy)
But it just makes me wonder how "typical" is relative and "typical" might possibly not exist -- makes me think about Micro and Macro...
The typical woman in China lives 86 years. The typical woman in Afghanistan lives 45 years.
On a micro scale, the typical Korean girl has dark black hair. I have super light hair that people think I dyed but it's actually hereditary

At the end of the video, there was this statement: Typical people make choices. But they're not the same for everyone. And our choices make a BIG difference... when multiplied by 7 billion.