2/28/11

12:39 am

I’m trying to reflect back on this year’s February winter break… what happened this week? Why do I feel like I cried way too many times? Why do I feel like it was uneventful but at the same time internally emotional? Why do I feel like I didn’t do anything interesting but learned more about myself this break?

I attended my 2^nd SAEDA training as a Bridge person… trying to gap between the training team and the new participants. Rachel was with me on this 4 day, 9:00-4:00 thing and so was Chris Haam and Andrew Kim and Tom Safran…

Here’s what happened

-       The adultism caucus was out of control.. everyone was talking at the same time, agreeing and shouting across the circle… even the trainers were looking at each other like What should we do?? It was kind of amusing but annoying…

-       I got to reconnect with an old friend Chris Haam. Made me realize how much easier things were socially back in 8^th grade… I had a certain group to always count on for a mall hangout. I mean I kind of have that now, but at the same time I feel like my social life has been a little off lately… like the friends I have right now are wonderful, but I feel like I have to relate to them in completely different ways (not like in a group, just individual relationships) and it’s kind of exhausting…

-       I prejudge people way too much. I thought Andrew Kim was this nerdy, sweet, shy guy who has friends but likes to stick with his Pokemon—also is unnaturally smart without even trying. Well I still don’t know about that last part, but he is totally different. First, he’s not shy—he has his own opinions and he sticks to them and voices them without fear of judgment. He’s also pretty good in the spotlight/on stage!! Second, he’s a pretty FUNNY person and he knows how to make someone laugh without jokes but just through his personality. Oh, but I wasn’t wrong about the sweetness. He definitely cares for his friends and family (especially parents… I mean, I just wanna give him a huge hug XD)

-       Even in a space where we can have these conversations on racism, sexism, heterosexism, I can make stereotypes. Especially the way some of the black girls were acting at the training (there was a good number of them) and I could tell everyone was thinking the same thing I was.

-       It’s hard to talk to my parents about these isms…. They were raised and live in a completely different mindset than me when it comes to gays and black people. Even my brother, who I got into an argument about over saying “No Homo” and how that can be offensive

-       These issues are things that I’m actually… I might be making a stretch by saying this word but… passionate about. Raising awareness about gender based domestic violence… challenging social norms… it’s so interesting. Keri, one of the interns at RFS, is on her way to Austria to study social behaviors and laws involving domestic violence. And when I heard this I thought to myself, THAT’s what I want to be doing in a couple of years…

On Wednesday, I was supposed to meet up with the band at Gabe’s house which is right next to the mall so I asked my mom if she could pick me up right after SAEDA so I could be around their house by 4:30. At 3:30, Mark sent a text asking if I could come after 5, but since I was doing stuff at SAEDA I didn’t see the text until right after I was done and ready to get in the car packed with my guitar and things.

I cannot STAND IT when people change their plans last minute… I just hate it so much, I mean I’m pretty good when it comes to getting things done or arriving on time. So I got pretty pissed, but instead of being all raaaaaage, I started crying really hard in the car. (at least this made my mom and Ben not angry with me) The whole time I was crying I kept thinking, Why are you crying?? This is not something to cry about. I realized that I was crying because I felt like I was doing something for everyone else and nothing for me…

We’re playing for the 3^rd time at Nyack Backdoor and we’re playing the same songs for the same people. IF I’M GOING TO SPEND TIME WITH THIS BAND, I WANNA BE DOING THINGS MORE WORTHWHILE AND NEW AND CHALLENGING AND YES SOMETIMES SCARY BUT NOT THE SAFE ROUTE. Southapalooza was a risk and was hella scary but we did it and it was great <3 But this is just getting tedious… and personally, I don’t want to do it. But I can’t say this to them…. I also can’t express that I feel super awkward when I’m around them… they’re 3 best guy friends and I’m just there T_T

Also, I realized that I have to constantly act like a certain person around Rachel and never fully am myself. She’s always so needy with things… especially with her necessary bbo-bbos to fulfill herself…and constantly she says things like “Fine! We’re not friends anymore” Ok, grow up let’s be more honest with each other and express that we’re great friends because we both know what happened when we’re not straight up with each other…. (worst week of my life)

I have to be a good girlfriend for Russell, I have to be funny for Lily, I have to refrain myself from arguing with Ben, I have to be a good daughter…

I just want to be myself.

Ugh well, here’s to another 7 weeks of school before the next break. Please let spring come faster. With spring, everything is better.